Fingers Under the Door

I was in the bathroom the other day when I saw five little fingers reaching under. I am not so sure what it was about that moment but it was the first time I really felt ownership of those little fingers. Not in a "I own my TV" kind of way. It's more of a "you belong to me, you belong with me" kind of way.

My attachment process to Caleb has been difficult journey; one of the more difficult and surprising aspects of adoption for me. I'd share more than that with you over a cup of coffee, but for now, we'll leave it at that.

 I have recently figured out that one of my biggest hurdles in attaching was the guilt I feel at "taking" Caleb from his biological Momma. I know that's not reality, but when I see the joy of a child he is, my heart aches for her and what she is missing. I am fully aware that our delight in him is at the cost of their relationship with each other and it just breaks my heart.  And I'm ok with that but I can't let it get in the way of fully bonding with Caleb.

So when I saw those little fingers, I thought, yeah, those are the hands I love. Those are my son's hands.

Today when he saw me after speech therapy and shouted "Momma" (one of the only times this has happened) I accepted it. Yes, I am your Momma.

And I have let myself cry quite a few tears over his upcoming surgery out of fear, compassion, and love just like any other Mother would feel about their child.

It feels really good. If you are an adoptive Momma struggling with attachment, you are not alone. Keep loving in each moment and it will come.

Comments

Jerusha said…
Thinking of you today. I can SO relate to this post. Our attachment has been SLOW going...so those little indications are so very meaningful, I know! Shu has only recently begun calling me mommy (which he literally could not say until a week ago--started with mama)with any sort of intention or apparent understanding of who I really am to him. Been a long road, and I often doubted we'd even get to where we are now...and I know it's only gonna get better! :)
June 5, 2012 at 12:56 PM
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